Is The West Coast The Best Coast?

It has been four months since the Red Wings have drank cheap champagne out of Lord Stanley's mug, and with the last two cup winners coming out of the Western Conference things should be looking up in the west. West coast teams have gotten younger and better. Chicago's Duo of Towes and Kane have the potential to develop into the upper tier of talent in the league. Phoenix looks to have turned a corner, and could finally put out a team that doesn't make Wayne Gretzky look like a shitacular coach. Edmonton seems to be every one's favorite pick to make noise in the west, but is the talent really there?

Well just like Monday, lets have a quick look at the Western Conference.

15. Los Angeles Kings
A team of nobodies in the city of stars. This should change when Jay Leno books the wrong Jack Johnson onto the tonight show.

14. Nashville Predators
Karma finally catches up to fuck up Nashville. Their owner is a crook, and a quick move to Hamilton is slowly creeping up.

13. Columbus Blue Jackets
10th NHL season. Great Hockey Fans. Zero playoff appearances. 100% Fucked

12. St Louis Blues
Hey what could go wrong when your leading scorer is Brad Boyes. Oh where, oh where, has Paul Kariya gone?

11. Minnesota Wild
When its that frigging cold, no wonder all their players are heading to warmer climates. Look for Marian Gaborik to jump ship before the deadline and score a goal a game.

10. Colorado Avalanche
Speaking of freezing your ass off, too bad their goaltending resembles a funeral parlour.

9. Phoenix Coyotes
The sexy Sarah Palin pick. Too bad she'll fall short too. At least they aren't a giant cunt.

8. Vancouver Canucks
Best back end and goaltending in the league. Unfortunately they had to give the C to Luongo to prevent a Sedin bitch fight.

7. Calgary Flames
2003 Todd Bertuzzi: hated by everyone in Calgary for being a bad ass. 2009 Todd Bertuzzi: Hated by everyone in Calgary for being a fat-ass.

6. Chicago Blackhawks.
Somewhere over the rainbow, Bill Wirtz is rotting in the ground.

5. Anaheim (Mighty) Ducks
The 2002-2003 Canucks lived up to their names adding Branden Morrison, Dave Nonis, and Dave Babych's Mustache. Peter Skudra where have you gone?

4. Dallas Stars.
In Texas, there's are only steers (Mike Modano), and queers (Sean Avery, Mike Ribero). Brad Richards's position will be seen on whether he frost's his tips again

3. Edmonton Oilers
Sam Ganger was born after Gretzky was traded. Dwayne Roloson has been playing since Hitler annexed Poland.

2. San Jose Sharks
Joe Thornton can carry any team on his back. Too bad it gives out come April.

1. Detroit Red Wings
What do you get the team that has everything? How about the best free agent available. 29 other teams are royally screwed.

Attention America: The NHL is back! (East Edition)

Can you hear that? Thats 90% of America not giving a shit.

Hockey is back, and while most of Canada are on their couch eagerly waiting for Hockey Night in Canada, to come on the trusty CBC. Americans everywhere are struggling to find that hunting network, and have given up looking. Why the NHL refuses to go back to ESPN is beyond me. Sure you could be a small fish in a big pond, but an only fish in a small pond is going to die slowly of loneliness.

However, there is hope for the East coast bias to get back on board with the league. No longer are the teams from the East referred to as the "12-beer, lazy-eyed sister", but instead has blossomed into the sexy conference. Good riddance to the yokel, redneck hockey markets and welcome back the tradition markets of New York, Pennsylvania, and Montreal.

So without further adieu, the Eastern conference!

15. Atlanta Thrashers
8,000 fans a game can't be Wrong!

14. Toronto Maple Leafs
The centre of the universe will fuck up again and not finish last. No problem! The Draft lottery is already rigged to get Tavares!

13. New York Islanders
Wow! the worst run team in sports continues getting worse, as they replaced Satan with a 400 lb Weight. Look for a Garth Snow suicide watch come December.

12. Florida Panthers
Good News: No More Mike Keenan! Bad News:He still traded Luongo for a bag of pucks.

11. Buffalo Sabres
They have the potential to being the most exciting team in the league. Unfortunately they have to live in a shithole, and will probably have zero moral come February.

10. Carolina Hurricanes
The Mike Ricci of our generation, Rod Brind'amour is out for a few months. And when Mike Commodore is your #1 Defensemen, even ol' fire crotch can't save ya!

9. Boston Bruins
This team has the potential to make a playoff push, unfortunately Phil Kessel still can't find his "balance".

8. Tampa Bay Lightning
A weak division gets them in, having 15 forwards and 3 defenceman keeps then on the bubble.

7. Ottawa Senators
Just a few years removed from fucking up from every team in their way, departing d-men, and Martin Gerber as your goalie brings your team down to medocricy.

6. Philadelphia Flyers
Wow! worst team in the league to Eastern conference finalists in a year. Too bad Bobby Clarke is a cunt.

5. New Jersey Devils
Martin Brodeur. Martin Brodeur. Martin Brodeur.

4. Pittsburgh Penguins
Crosby, Malkin, and Company had their first taste of post season success. How do you seal the deal? Make a deal with Satan!

3. New York Rangers
Yup thats right 4 Atlantic division teams in a row! Sure Markus Naslund and Wade Redden aren't Jaromir Jagr, thats because they aren't pussies with mullets who run away to Russia.

2. Washington Capitals
Reigning league MVP Alex Ovechkin could put up 75 goals this season. More importantly though, Sergei Fedorov should help the younger master the 'doing the hottest girl alive'.

1. Montreal Canadiens.
Last years conference champs should repeat as they continue to be in the easiest division in the league. And in their 100 years of existance, they have 24 Stanley Cups. Wait I think I just heard an army of Cubs fans slam there face against their desks.

A Los Angeles October

So we have finished up those mundane 162 (or 163) games of going half-assed towards first base, and we are into October. Gone are the old(Yankees, Cardinals), and in are the sexy(Tampa, Philly) as well as the morbidly disgusting (Milwaukee) How will the next month of baseball go? Well lets start with the Division series. The National League brings back the retro, as the Dodgers, Cubs, and Phillies are joined by Milwaukee, a team that hasn't been in the playoffs since Noah built his arc, and had that ginormous orgy. The American League strikes back with raw power, with any of the four teams able to win the World Series. Don't be suprised if both series go the distance, with luck picking the A.L. Champ

The battle of the Mr. Met killers, pits the Brewers against the Phillies, and while CC Sabathia can go out and take 2 games in this series, Philly is just too strong right now. I'm sure Bud Selig will do everything in his power, including suiting up Mark Dounaley as Umpire, to get the Brewers into the NLCS. That alone is reason enough. Milwaukee in 5

Unfortunatly, the real NLCS is being played with Lou Pinella's Chicago Cubs playing Joe Torre's L.A. Dodgers. This series looks to be all but over before it begins, but remember this is the Chicago-Fucking-Cubs. Look for heartbreak, as Bartman returns to shoot up Wrigey field. Or Joe Torre continues being afucking good coach. Los Angeles Dodgers in 5

In the ALDS first we have the AL East Champions...Tampa Bay Rays??? (really?) playing the Chicago white Sox. Listen Racist/Moron/Manage Guillen looks to have riled up his team too much, and too often. The Rays will seem out of their element when they play to a full stadium for the first time ever in a home game. Tampa in 4.

Then in what shitty scheduling issues had relayed. The AL leading Angels play the juggernauts of the Red Sox nation. This series was a toss up to start with. Josh Beckett only playing one game? That sucks for Boston. Los Angeles in 5.

Could it really be a Tampa-Milwaukee World Series?? Fuck No! Look for a LA Freeway World Series, as The Angels and Dodgers meet to stick it to the east coast bias. The Winner? Barack Obama.