Is The West Coast The Best Coast?

It has been four months since the Red Wings have drank cheap champagne out of Lord Stanley's mug, and with the last two cup winners coming out of the Western Conference things should be looking up in the west. West coast teams have gotten younger and better. Chicago's Duo of Towes and Kane have the potential to develop into the upper tier of talent in the league. Phoenix looks to have turned a corner, and could finally put out a team that doesn't make Wayne Gretzky look like a shitacular coach. Edmonton seems to be every one's favorite pick to make noise in the west, but is the talent really there?

Well just like Monday, lets have a quick look at the Western Conference.

15. Los Angeles Kings
A team of nobodies in the city of stars. This should change when Jay Leno books the wrong Jack Johnson onto the tonight show.

14. Nashville Predators
Karma finally catches up to fuck up Nashville. Their owner is a crook, and a quick move to Hamilton is slowly creeping up.

13. Columbus Blue Jackets
10th NHL season. Great Hockey Fans. Zero playoff appearances. 100% Fucked

12. St Louis Blues
Hey what could go wrong when your leading scorer is Brad Boyes. Oh where, oh where, has Paul Kariya gone?

11. Minnesota Wild
When its that frigging cold, no wonder all their players are heading to warmer climates. Look for Marian Gaborik to jump ship before the deadline and score a goal a game.

10. Colorado Avalanche
Speaking of freezing your ass off, too bad their goaltending resembles a funeral parlour.

9. Phoenix Coyotes
The sexy Sarah Palin pick. Too bad she'll fall short too. At least they aren't a giant cunt.

8. Vancouver Canucks
Best back end and goaltending in the league. Unfortunately they had to give the C to Luongo to prevent a Sedin bitch fight.

7. Calgary Flames
2003 Todd Bertuzzi: hated by everyone in Calgary for being a bad ass. 2009 Todd Bertuzzi: Hated by everyone in Calgary for being a fat-ass.

6. Chicago Blackhawks.
Somewhere over the rainbow, Bill Wirtz is rotting in the ground.

5. Anaheim (Mighty) Ducks
The 2002-2003 Canucks lived up to their names adding Branden Morrison, Dave Nonis, and Dave Babych's Mustache. Peter Skudra where have you gone?

4. Dallas Stars.
In Texas, there's are only steers (Mike Modano), and queers (Sean Avery, Mike Ribero). Brad Richards's position will be seen on whether he frost's his tips again

3. Edmonton Oilers
Sam Ganger was born after Gretzky was traded. Dwayne Roloson has been playing since Hitler annexed Poland.

2. San Jose Sharks
Joe Thornton can carry any team on his back. Too bad it gives out come April.

1. Detroit Red Wings
What do you get the team that has everything? How about the best free agent available. 29 other teams are royally screwed.

Attention America: The NHL is back! (East Edition)

Can you hear that? Thats 90% of America not giving a shit.

Hockey is back, and while most of Canada are on their couch eagerly waiting for Hockey Night in Canada, to come on the trusty CBC. Americans everywhere are struggling to find that hunting network, and have given up looking. Why the NHL refuses to go back to ESPN is beyond me. Sure you could be a small fish in a big pond, but an only fish in a small pond is going to die slowly of loneliness.

However, there is hope for the East coast bias to get back on board with the league. No longer are the teams from the East referred to as the "12-beer, lazy-eyed sister", but instead has blossomed into the sexy conference. Good riddance to the yokel, redneck hockey markets and welcome back the tradition markets of New York, Pennsylvania, and Montreal.

So without further adieu, the Eastern conference!

15. Atlanta Thrashers
8,000 fans a game can't be Wrong!

14. Toronto Maple Leafs
The centre of the universe will fuck up again and not finish last. No problem! The Draft lottery is already rigged to get Tavares!

13. New York Islanders
Wow! the worst run team in sports continues getting worse, as they replaced Satan with a 400 lb Weight. Look for a Garth Snow suicide watch come December.

12. Florida Panthers
Good News: No More Mike Keenan! Bad News:He still traded Luongo for a bag of pucks.

11. Buffalo Sabres
They have the potential to being the most exciting team in the league. Unfortunately they have to live in a shithole, and will probably have zero moral come February.

10. Carolina Hurricanes
The Mike Ricci of our generation, Rod Brind'amour is out for a few months. And when Mike Commodore is your #1 Defensemen, even ol' fire crotch can't save ya!

9. Boston Bruins
This team has the potential to make a playoff push, unfortunately Phil Kessel still can't find his "balance".

8. Tampa Bay Lightning
A weak division gets them in, having 15 forwards and 3 defenceman keeps then on the bubble.

7. Ottawa Senators
Just a few years removed from fucking up from every team in their way, departing d-men, and Martin Gerber as your goalie brings your team down to medocricy.

6. Philadelphia Flyers
Wow! worst team in the league to Eastern conference finalists in a year. Too bad Bobby Clarke is a cunt.

5. New Jersey Devils
Martin Brodeur. Martin Brodeur. Martin Brodeur.

4. Pittsburgh Penguins
Crosby, Malkin, and Company had their first taste of post season success. How do you seal the deal? Make a deal with Satan!

3. New York Rangers
Yup thats right 4 Atlantic division teams in a row! Sure Markus Naslund and Wade Redden aren't Jaromir Jagr, thats because they aren't pussies with mullets who run away to Russia.

2. Washington Capitals
Reigning league MVP Alex Ovechkin could put up 75 goals this season. More importantly though, Sergei Fedorov should help the younger master the 'doing the hottest girl alive'.

1. Montreal Canadiens.
Last years conference champs should repeat as they continue to be in the easiest division in the league. And in their 100 years of existance, they have 24 Stanley Cups. Wait I think I just heard an army of Cubs fans slam there face against their desks.

A Los Angeles October

So we have finished up those mundane 162 (or 163) games of going half-assed towards first base, and we are into October. Gone are the old(Yankees, Cardinals), and in are the sexy(Tampa, Philly) as well as the morbidly disgusting (Milwaukee) How will the next month of baseball go? Well lets start with the Division series. The National League brings back the retro, as the Dodgers, Cubs, and Phillies are joined by Milwaukee, a team that hasn't been in the playoffs since Noah built his arc, and had that ginormous orgy. The American League strikes back with raw power, with any of the four teams able to win the World Series. Don't be suprised if both series go the distance, with luck picking the A.L. Champ

The battle of the Mr. Met killers, pits the Brewers against the Phillies, and while CC Sabathia can go out and take 2 games in this series, Philly is just too strong right now. I'm sure Bud Selig will do everything in his power, including suiting up Mark Dounaley as Umpire, to get the Brewers into the NLCS. That alone is reason enough. Milwaukee in 5

Unfortunatly, the real NLCS is being played with Lou Pinella's Chicago Cubs playing Joe Torre's L.A. Dodgers. This series looks to be all but over before it begins, but remember this is the Chicago-Fucking-Cubs. Look for heartbreak, as Bartman returns to shoot up Wrigey field. Or Joe Torre continues being afucking good coach. Los Angeles Dodgers in 5

In the ALDS first we have the AL East Champions...Tampa Bay Rays??? (really?) playing the Chicago white Sox. Listen Racist/Moron/Manage Guillen looks to have riled up his team too much, and too often. The Rays will seem out of their element when they play to a full stadium for the first time ever in a home game. Tampa in 4.

Then in what shitty scheduling issues had relayed. The AL leading Angels play the juggernauts of the Red Sox nation. This series was a toss up to start with. Josh Beckett only playing one game? That sucks for Boston. Los Angeles in 5.

Could it really be a Tampa-Milwaukee World Series?? Fuck No! Look for a LA Freeway World Series, as The Angels and Dodgers meet to stick it to the east coast bias. The Winner? Barack Obama.

Chokers of the Decade/ RIP Shea Stadium

It's Deja Vu all over again for fans of the New York Metropolitans, as for the second year in a row, the Mets decided that there was no point in playing in the playoffs and officially gave their spot to the Milwakee Brewers. The Mets showed just how much they love Bud Selig, by offering the commish, his team's first playoff appearance in 16 years. In return the Mets will hand over GM Omar Minaya, to the umemployment line. New Yorkers everywhere applauded the deal, as it will give them more time to watch Brett Favre throw Touchdowns, and watch the Knicks have another lottery bound season.

Sadly though Shea Stadium will be reduced to a parking lot after the embarrassing season collapse. But it won't get the ESPN coverage, or Cooperstown induction like its hot older sister Yankee Stadium did. Instead, it will be buried into the ground where it shall rot for eternity. Opening beside the future parking lot will be the poorly spelled Citi Stadium that will house Met disappointments for the 21st century. Hey but at least Carlos Delgado is making 21 million a year!

April 18, 1923 - September 21, 2008

"It ain't over 'til it's over!"
Sorry Yogi, But much like your picnic basket raids, and your ability to achieve an erection The Bronx Bombers tenure at legendary Yankee Stadium is officially over. Eliminated from the Playoffs just hours before the opening pitch, These loathing losers can do nothing but wait for the opening of the 1.3 Billion dollar "New" Yankee Stadium. With a yearly payroll that could have saved AIG and the Lehman Brothers, the 2008 New York Yankees set an all-time sports record as the highest spending team who failed to make the playoff. I don't think Fatty Steinbreinner is going to like that too much.

But from the rest of Major League Baseball and sport fans in general let me be the first to say "HAHAHA." But wait, Yankee fans at least you can take heart in knowing that in the 2009 season, it will cost you a paltry $2,500 to sit behind home plate at the new digs. And If you are a recently unemployed casualty of the recent Wall Street attack well, you can still watch in the nose bleeds for $75. I guess you need to pay for A-Rod's inability to be Mr. clutch somehow.


Useless and Untrue Factoid Alert!! With the loss of the 85 year old Yankee Stadium, the oldest active mainstay of professional sports will now be replaced with 84 year old Chris Chelios.

As a sports fan in general, it is sad to think that after all the history from the Bronx stadium. It will close with a whimper of a game against the Baltimore Orioles. Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Joe DiMaggio, Yogi Berra, Reggie Jackson, Mickie Mantle, Roger Maris, Derek Jeter--all leave with cementing themselves as legends of the ball park. Alex Rodriguez? His greatest Yankee Stadium moment revolves slapping the ball out of Bronson Arroyo's glove like a little bitch.

Facebookin'

As an avid Facebooker, I spend countless ours searching things that have no bearing on anyone. But recently I called my buddy Mark Zuckerman and had him hack into some peoples Facebook to just see what they have posted on there. Maybe people shouldn;t be posting every little detail.
So without further adieu, here are my favorite Facebook statuses.

Tom Brady is Ouchy!
Michael Phelps is amazed 8 gold medals lets you shout 'Live from New York its Saturday Night!'
Kobe Bryant isn't going to let a little toe ruin his season unlike some people.
Marion Jones is happy not to be raping white trash anymore.
Brian Belichuk wishes he didn't screw over karma last season.
Gary Bettman hopes American NHL fans double this year to 24.
Chad Ocho Cinco is wondering if he really made a wise legal move.
Bud Selig is trying to prevent a Tampa Bay - Milwakee World Series.
Sarah Palin is really happy the democrats don't have any balls.
Tony Romo can't wait until bye week to head to Italy with Jess.
Kevin Durant wishes he was back in Seattle.
Russel Brand can't believe 2000 other people turned down the VMA gig.
Shaquille O'Neal is fuck you Kobe, how does my ass taste?

Oh Shit!

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Well it sucks to live in Boston today. But I guess it sucks to live there most days.
Oh well, I'm sure Giselle will help ease the pain.

But for you who need extra therepy. Here's Brady at his finest.

Fat Asses Unite!

NASCAR, Major League Baseball, and the soccer league no one in America cares about hit their annual fall depression as the 5 month build up to Bruce Springsteen's Super Bowl Halftime Extravaganza hits full gear.
Seven months after the NY Giants beat the lousy 18-1 Patriots, American Men everywhere will abandon Church, Sunday "afternoon delight", and yard work. True the NFL has opened the season last Thursday, it doesn't heat up until Sunday. So what can look for in the coming months of the season. Well I called my local psychic, but she was too busy calming John McCain out of a 'Nam flashback after hearing how his November will go.
Instead of doing actual research, I thought I would just go on my gut. Hell if its good enough of the President, its good enough for me! So without further adieu, the next 5 months.

• Week one: The Giants win! Hey Look I'm already 1 for 1!
• Brett Favre starts on fire helping the Jets to a 3-1 start. Old Man Favre then breaks his hip and is forced to sit out the rest of the season. The Jets then go 2-10 without him.
  
• Bill Parcels beats the shit out of Ricky Williams, after he fails his 14th drug test for marijuana. Ricky cries like a baby.
• A Cincinnati Bengal is arrested
• Aaron Rodgers makes his starting debut for the Packers and throws 5 straight interceptions. He is cut the next week.
• The Buffalo Bills play a home came in Toronto. Canadians are confused on why there are 4 downs and no rouge and walk out 5 minutes into the first quarter.
  
• Tom Brady continues being a god.
• Rex Grossman continues being a shitty Quaterback
• Archie Manning announces who he supports in November: Tom Brady
• After reinjurying his foot, Peyton Manning misses the playoffs.
• After reverting back to being a lazy piece of shit, Eli Manning misses the playoffs.
  
• Barack Obama has no relevance in this post.
• The Detroit Lions have no relevance to this post
  
• The NFC west continues to be the worst division in the NFL.
• The AFC west continues to be the best division in the NFL.
• Michael Vick gets out of jail. 2 days later is killed by angry unpaid pit bulls.
• Championship weekend has Dallas defeating Tampa, and New England beating Jacksonville.
• Tony Romo goes to Mexico over the Superbowl bye week. Catches Hepatitis.
• The New England Tom Brady's win the Tom Brady Superbowl. The Tom Brady Superbowl MVP award goes to Tom Brady player: Randy Moss.
  

Oklahoma Thunder(cats)

Hmmm what makes a big loud bang in the sky? A Supersonic sound wave??? No Seattle fans, its technically not the same name, but you can still go into the game banging pots and pans.

With global warning perhaps making weather the next real American danger ahead of terrorism, what could be scary then thunder coming down the court at you? Knickerbockers? Trailblazers? Jazz? What happened to having a team name that actually makes your opponents shit their pants? Like how about the OKC Anthrax? Oklahoma City Bombers? (ooo too soon?) or even the hellacious OKC McCain-Palin '08s? I'm actually shaking right now.

Look at the most recent sport franchise name. Houston Texans? You didn't even Fucking try! you added an "n" in the middle of texas. Thats Just calling it by its state! The only thing scary about a texan is when he's running your country!

Don't worry Seattle. When David Stern has a massive heart attack, and the new commish awards your city a team. The green and gold will once again have the distinction have having one of the worst names in sports

12 Hours later....

Bud Selig falls asleep....forgets to stop the game in the 14th.

The A.L. Globetrotters wins 11 in a row against the N.L. Generals.

Mid Slumber-Night Classic

Get ready New York! The biggest fake hype is in full spin. A-Rod's D-Vorce, Halladay needs a Holiday from Toronto, a Canadian wins the Home Run Derby, and Bud Selig still slowly kills baseball.

BUT WAIT THIS TIME IT COUNTS!!!!!

Oh wait it has counted for the last 6 years. Home field advantage on the line, so why not send the entire rosters of the Cubs and Red Sox to the game, with a sprinkling of non-playoff teams reserves.

One of those players who will be watching October from his local whore house is Alex Rodriguez. For the 12th time A-Rod will get no vacation from his nasty divorce as he must come back to Yankee Stadium to be booed by baseball's finest fans. (And of course by "finest" I mean, the richest 10% of the city and MLB sponsors who snatched up all but 1,000 tickets before they went on sale to the public.)

AROD has been "dogged" by questions regarding his divorce and whether hookers, strippers, Kravitz's, Madonnas, or even Sarah Silver-men led to his break up.

The real victim of the mid summernight dream? Yankee Stadium. The last significant game ever, is a game where if the "home" team wins, Boston will get home-field advantage in the World Series. Sources even say that Kevin Youkilis and Manny Ramirez have already relieved themselves on Mickey Mantle and the Babe. Maybe Ruth should of also built a higher fence.

Cowboys Fans Celebrate!

Happy Birthday to the owner of Tony Romo's testicles. Because a Mexico vacation is more important then preparing for the playoffs!

Packer's GM: What the hell is a text?

Can you really fault Green Bay Packer's GM Ted Thompson for not getting back to Brett Favre in a timely manner? I mean how many senior citizens actually know what a text message is?

Brett Favre is a football god. Period. But like most gods, he has little relevance to today's world. Someone should recommend to Brett that he pick up a hobby that doesn't include being a real dick to a team that has put up with so much. Aaron Rodgers could of been something besides that guy you sit beside in the locker room, and be a REAL NFL quarterback.

Ted Thompson allegedly sent a text back to Favre saying he was on vacation and he will get back to him later. Clearly Thompson handed the phone to his teenage daughter and had her send him something. Favre can only be lucky he didn't get the dreaded "lol c u l8r"

One should also tell Brett that texting an old flame will get you nothing but humiliation. I can't count how many women I've texted drunk at 2 AM, and the result has been butkus. Brett should stop being so damn cool, and realize he's an old man that should be playing Golf, not sending texts like a college kid.